Upside Down Love

Relationships are essential for our emotional well-being. After all, we can't obtain emotional support from ourself. We must rely on outside help, to help us with our emotional needs. We must find ourselves through the relationships we choose to have in our lives.
But not all relationships come to us by choice. We have a few familial relationships that come to us happenstance through family or marital ties.
Mothers are the number one emotional ties that we all think about when we think of family. So what happens when it all turns upside down? When your mother's faculties begin to fade and you are no longer the child but the parental figure in the relationship? It is not pretty.

I am so very glad that I chose to attend University of South Carolina's Dementia Dialogue classes. They have helped me see the changes that have occurred not only in my mother but in our relationship. It must be one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced. Truly it is the last rite of passage into adulthood. I feel like my childhood is forever gone. At my age that is saying something.

I attended church this afternoon and very much enjoyed what I learned there. Most of the time I love to attend church. I love to grow and learn and stretch my understanding of life and love and all that.
Today I learned about the family and the covenants that bind us together and the power God has given us to help us through difficult times.

After church, I wasn't going to go to see my mother. It's been a really hard week emotionally and I didn't want to face the reality of what is happening to her or to our relationship. It breaks my heart. But in class we talked about people not always understanding the influence for good they have on others. An example was given of a group of women who felt persecuted from the larger organization they belonged to and wanted to withdraw from it. But when obtaining counsel from higher leaders they were counseled to stay and stop looking for what they could get from the meetings and instead consider what they could give.

So with that in mind, I decided to go and visit my mother. I decided that today I wouldn't have any expectations. I would simply give her love and time and friendship. She's pretty much homebound by dementia. She wants to leave and go places but she is never able to implement it.  So now more than ever she appreciates visitors.

I arrived in a positive mood and felt that mother was in an unusually great mindset. The afternoon went very well and we had a pleasant time. We had great conversation and I mostly forgot about me being the decision maker. I actually enjoyed being a guest in her home. I am not sure she sees me as her daughter much anymore. All of that seems to have changed in ways that are hard to explain. She seems to be aware of many of the changes in her mind but does what she can to cope and to hide the symptoms. I am in awe of her and her courage.

We spoke about the grandsons who went to her dock yesterday to fish. She adores having them there although the last time they came she was completely overwhelmed by them. I'm not sure why she was more at ease with the crowd of 5 young boys today than on days past? But I was glad she saw it in a positive light.

I left thinking well that went well and she is much better with the home visits and the medications for her pneumonia. She seemed so put together.

But then after dinner, I received a call. She couldn't find her calendar. She didn't know what time her Dr. appts were. She had misplaced the medical folder. These are all papers that she had yesterday.
I assured her that there was no emergency at hand and that a few days would not make an emergency. She probed me for dates that she could not remember and I saw the big D come out of hiding.

She worried and fretted over the dates and the slip she needed. But the good news is that she remembered there was a paper. And she is trying to remember where she puts things and where she needs to be. She is trying hard to keep it together and has grown to write allot of things down. But she can't always remember where she puts the paper she writes them on. Still, we are making progress.

I am thankful for today. I am thankful that I listened and took the time to visit and see all of the good in her life and feel of her happiness today. I was glad that she did her best to cover up what she must know is coming. I hope that at sometime later, she will be able to allow the doctor to speak to her.

But for now I am resolved to accept that our love for one another is strong and binding, but it is and forever more will be upside down.