The one thing that has defined my mother and my relationship since the beginning of this disease is the power struggle. It's not something I ever intended but not knowing what I was dealing with it happened. I feel like I know better now and we are moving forward.
I am at the stage of my life where life moves pretty fast so organization and efficiency are key to making it all balance. Let's just say that dementia doesn't really care for organization or efficiency. Dementia changes it's mind on a dime, with no rational explanations. Dementia cares not for my time table or my to-do list. So when my mother was diagnosed and we began to understand what we were going to be dealing with, I was like no problem we will just make a list and get it done.
Not so fast. It's not my disease. I don't own it. Nobody owns it at this point but that is another topic for discussion on another day. I have always respected my mother's privacy and her wishes so approaching the list became an object of frustration.
A good example would be the air conditioner. She is aware that my brother and I would like for her to keep her new, temperature controlled window air conditioner on at all times. It saves energy, it keeps the house cool, and we don't have to worry about her having a heat stroke while sitting inside the house. She could not get it in her head to keep it on. I would arrive and find the temperature in the house near 90 and her with three fans blowing. I would turn it on. She would turn it off when I left.
The cycle repeated itself daily. Once after my brother gave a talking to her she decided to comply to make him happy, so that when I arrived the air conditioner was on, but all of the windows and the door were open to the outside. Why??
I learned why? Dementia patient's core temperature is lower than ours. They are colder by nature so having the air conditioner on made her believe she was colder, even if her physical body thought otherwise and was sweating. But we had a temperature controlled unit that all she had to do was adjust the temperature, up or down to her liking. It was such a new concept that she could not learn it. Dementia patients have a really hard time learning new skills.
I mentioned this situation in class and we talked about it. I was told the solution was not to have a power struggle with her. BUT, I replied she is putting herself in danger and I am worried about her physical health. The solution was to turn the air conditioner on when I visit and turn the temperature down low for as long as I am there. When she turns it off after I leave, the room temperature will balance out and we have not ruined our relationship over a power struggle. I would not have thought of this on my own. Thank you Dementia Dialogue Class.
The real joy that came was when I learned of her need for a shower chair. She has at high risk for falls around her home and I am trying to minimize this risk. I knew that if I showed up with a shower chair she would fight me and even have me take it back. She did this on a few other items I offered.
So in class, I learned a few very helpful things:
- Our relationship has changed. Dementia has my mother. I need to take charge and not ask.
- But not asking does not mean I am not kind in my approach. Honey goes much farther than salt.
- Decisions overwhelm those with dementia. Giving simple choices and direction is key.
- Dementia robs a person of rational thought so even if you give a plausible explanation as to why a shower chair is a good idea, dementia won't see it that way.
- Dementia does not see the danger or the risk
I knew that my mother needed a shower chair. The subject had come up several times before. The physical therapists had suggested it, but mother had always dogmatically refused it. She didn't need it and she didn't want it. That was made very clear. So how was I going to get her to accept one?
Honey. I went to Home Depot where I purchased her a tomato plant, a bell pepper plant, and some flowers for her very small garden. This was a great idea because it gave her purpose and she was very pleased with the gifts. I also stopped at Chick Fil A and purchased her evening meal. She loved this the most. She is able to cook for herself still, but I know she grows tired of it. She loves it when I surprise her with a restaurant meal.
After she had thanked me for all of her surprises and after I was sure she was in a good mood, I brought out the shower chair.
"What is that?" she asked rather perturbed. And, "Who told you to buy that?"
"Well mother," I explained, "your physical therapist requested that you have it in your shower to give you a place to sit. I chose the one without the back because I thought you would like it best."
"This too shall pass." She began reciting verses to quell her anxiety.
"Can I have a flat head screwdriver? I need it to put this together."
She found one and watched me quickly put it together. Her attention was on its assembly now.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change."
I watched her as I screwed the screws tightly into the underside of the seat. She was visibly upset but didn't want to say so because I had brought her food and flowers.
When I was finished we took it to the shower and she decided it was okay. She was happy after all.
Whew, I felt like I had dodged a bullet. I found a way around her mood swings and need to control what she can't understand. Afterward, we sat and talked about her needing some new clothes and when was I going to take her shopping. And that is yet another story to be told.
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